How We Get High

Mary Jane Doe here, back and higher than ever. I’ve just come in from my front porch, where I had my morning toke (it’s noon). After a couple puffs of the leftover joint I swiped from the bar last night, the I-might-have-had-one-too-many-tequila-sodas feeling has been warded off and I am now sitting pretty in my productivity corner. Ah,weed. The miracle plant. We smoke her for a lot of reasons, (hangovers being one of them) and in a lot of ways. Some “mornings” I opt for a quick hit from an I-need-to-clean-that bowl, and others my tiny attention span can only handle ripping my vape while I ADHD throughout the house. I’d say it doesn’t make a difference how we get ourselves high, but, I’m no liar. From the classic apple-pipe method to the tabletop bong, the vessel is essential, and says a lot about who we are and what we would like to accomplish as stoners.

Need to get a little high really quick? Don’t feel like grinding a bunch of weed? Lack the skill, time or tools to roll a joint? This is when we turn to the pipe. The bowl. The chillum. The one-hitter. Or if you’re me in eighth grade, the apple, though this method does have some technique involved. There is no cuter or more accessible way to smoke weed than glass. This route is ideal for beginner smokers who may feel at risk of getting “too stoned,” despite arguments whether there is such a thing. If you’re anything like me and would rather buy a new pipe than clean the one you’ve been using, Glass and Glamour has some adorably artful glassware. In case my boyfriend (who I am married to) is reading this, I personally have my eye on the Vibrance Clarity pipe at glassandglamour.com.

She is a girl on the go. She is at work. She is in the car, being the passenger princess. She is in the bathroom of her grandma’s house while her problematic family members discuss politics. She is anywhere it might be inappropriate to toke up flower. She is vaping. While the vape doesn’t necessarily give us the cleanest, most reliable or overall best high, it sure does come in handy during our times of need. The vape can be the difference between being high at all, or not being high at all. Despite not having a single clue what the long-term effects of inhaling strange wax at high temperatures, we greatly appreciate the vape’s nonstop service. Let us not ponder too hard on where our e-waste goes when we toss our disposable vapes in the trash. Into the landfills? Into our water? Turning the frogs gay? Who knows. I personally choose not to dwell on the vape’s shortcomings so I can stay stoned. That is, when it isn’t hiding in the back pocket of one of my pairs of trendy cargo pants.

My personal favorite way to smoke weed is via joint. Requiring skill, patience and effort, the joint is by far the sexiest way to get high. It is also the best way to taste the strain you’re smoking. Blazy Susan (blazysusan.com) makes these adorable pink rolling papers, as well as pre rolled joints (or “cones”), if you’re not the best at rolling. I recently inherited a vintage roach clip from my Aunt Linda, and now I feel like a grunge Audrey Hepburn every time I toke up the last of a doobie. I bet you could find something like it on Etsy, if you desire to feel as posh as I do.

Edibles, or as I like to call them, “hippie Xanax,” are fantastic for when you need to get high under the radar. I like to pop a 10mg Watermelon Sugar gummy from Good Day Farm before I do anything. These days, they’re putting THC in pretty much anything ingestible you could possibly think of. Tinctures, salt, butter, honey, you name it, it has the potential to get you high. As a professional pot eater, I do warn you to double-check the doses on your edibles before you find yourself floating around in the ether, questioning life’s existence while your face turns green.

Smoking a bong outside of a college dorm room covered in tapestries and dead-head posters is hardly ever acceptable. I’ve sworn off ever smoking a bong again after a traumatic experience on a golf course in 2016, but this mega cute “Canna Style Disco Ball Bong” from friendsnyc.com might convince me to come out of retirement. Mary Jane Doe Says: Regardless of how, when or why … we stay high.